5. Edward Snowden for being way too lame to embrace as a hero. Forget, for a moment, all your political opinions. It would have been nice to have someone to point at and say, "that guy really took a stand against our overbearing government." It just would have been nice. When we found out he had dropped out of school, we tried to shrug it off and remind ourselves that Bill Gates did, too. When we found out that Hong Kong was a really stupid place to go, we thought maybe he knew something we didn't about whether China would shield him. Then, we saw his stupid gosh-darn modeling pictures, and now we can't see him as anything but an almost-pretty face and an awful leather wristband.

 

4. The 95% of people who don't wash their hands correctly. A study from Michigan State University has found that 95% of people in public restrooms do not wash their hands for the full 15 seconds required for cleanliness, after which they drag their germ-laden mitts across doorknobs, subway poles, and probably your lunch. This finding makes us feel a lot better about our hatred of touching people, and confirms our theory that the appropriate way to greet a handshake is with a scream. It's time to ditch this disgusting planet for Mars. Don't try to follow us.

 

3. Wendy's CEO, for not allowing an enterprising franchise to sell the glorious 9-patty T-Rex burger. A Wendy's in Manitoba has proven that Canadian customers are just as delightfully disgusting as American ones with the success of their T-Rex burger. It started as a joke, but when the restaurant started actually selling this 9-patty meat mountain, they sold two or three of the sandwiches per day. Then Wendy's headquarters made them stop because they hate joy. We want to see just how far this trend of fast food chains creating artery-clogging monstrosities can go, and we're not letting any "health concerns" or "deaths" stop us.

 

2. This nice-looking 94-year-old for being a secret Nazi all along. When Michael Karkoc moved to America in 1949 from the Ukraine, he told authorities he had not served in World War II. Spoiler alert: he did. He was the commander of a SS-led unit that committed atrocities against civilians. Then, he moved to Minnesota and pretended he wasn't an avid fan of war crimes, and over 64 years probably became friendly with a lot of people who now want to vomit. Said Karkoc when reached for comment, "I don't think I can explain." Well, we didn't say he was a dumb Nazi.

 

1. The Miami Heat. Dammit, as San Antonio-natives, we don't want our two to three weeks of fairweather Spurs fandom to be ruined by this jerk. Why does he have to be so (incredibly inconsistently) good? We liked Tuesday's game, when a 30-point lead meant we could spend most of the game Facebooking. But last night's suckfest was one of those ones where the Spurs (of whom we can name at least three players, thank you very much) are trailing by just a little for the entire second half and we actually have to pay attention. Pretty sure the face Lebron's making in this photo is him thinking, "Is it right to do this to Timmy and the guys?" No, it's not. Be nice and let the Spurs win, you big bully.