5. The Amazon "social media specialist" who gave the "fire away" on this morbid Sopranos promo. The sadness upon hearing the news of James Gandolfini's death was immediately followed by gloom over what kind of crap we were going to slog through on Facebook and Twitter. There was the usual trudge through comedian tweets trying to "find their angle," the avalanche of "thoughts and prayers" status updates fired off by everyone from your Dad's first wife to Lowes Hardware, and of course, the corporate shill who mistakenly used the sad moment as an opportunity to plug their wares. We don't even blame the 23-year-old who sent this out. They were just doing their job, just like the Epicurious tweet-master was after the Boston bombing. So can someone sit them all down and tell them, "Part of your job, from now on, is this: whenever someone famous dies, or another asshole shoots up a hundred people, throw your computer out the window and take the day off."
4. Kimye. North? North West? YAWN! We expected better from you two. You're Kanye West, the world's most talented psychopath, and Kim Kardashian, the world's most talented attention succubus, and all we get is "North?" That can't even sustain an hour's run of jokes on Twitter. You couldn't even go with "Knorth," for God's sake? The guy from My Name Is Earl named his kid "Pilot Inspektor," but you weirdos are going to settle for North. No croissants for you, Kanye. No croissants for you.
3. Paula Deen. Just make the crumby biscuits, old racist grandma lady! Keep your weirdo slave-owning fantasies off our plates. If you can't take the heat of not vocalizing your bigoted thoughts, get back in the kitchen and make more crumby biscuits! This morning we tried to put butter on our English muffin and we felt like we were committing a hate crime. YOU'RE RUINING BUTTER. No more talk.
2. Instagram. When staring at Instagrams of my aunt's feet on the beach, I always thought, "I wish I could watch the wind blow through that patch of toe hair." Instagram raised the ante on Vine by offering a 15-second limit, more than doubling their measly six. We worry about this escalation. Before long a service will offer full-minute videos. Then five minutes. Then ninety! Before we know it, we'll all be staring at our phones watching the uncut version of Once Upon A Time In America! The cold war to extend the length of videos directed and produced by people who own phones yields no winners, only losers wondering why they've been asked to look at a short video of someone eating brunch.
1. Extremely talented but unlikeable athletes who played slightly better basketball games than extremely talented but far more likeable athletes. We wanted the likeable athletes to beat the unlikeable ones! The Spurs seem like such nice people. And none of them sport a mohawk and tattoos that make them look like the one "Punk" character in every Hollywood 80s movie about high school. How are we supposed to like someone who makes people call him "Birdman?" How are we supposed to root for anyone who has anything to do with the city of Miami (save Iggy Pop)? Who wrote this TV show anyway? Oh it's a sport? Oh.