(file photo of people who might be Japanese deciding whether to bother with sex or not)

5. Japanese youth who aren't having sex anymore, signaling the beginning of end times. The Japanese media are in a frenzy over what they call "celibacy syndrome," a phenomenon in which many Japanese youth are choosing to remain single. Japanese people aren't having babies, and their population is expected to shrink by a third by 2060 (of course, earth won't exist by then—see #2—but still). Whether the causes are economic or cultural, or the whole thing is being blown way out of proportion, I can't help but feel that this—more than sinkholes or the Tea Party—is the first sign of the apocalypse. People wanting to spend 98% of their time staring at screens, sure. But people not wanting to spend the other 2% of their time having reckless, frequently regrettable unprotected sex? Our species is doomed. —SRD

 


(via Wikipedia)

4. The NYPD. If you look in the dictionary next to "racial profiling," you won't see any pictures of the NYPD, because you're probably looking at dictionary.com, and they don't have pictures. But if they did or you were looking at some picture dictionary for children, you'd see the official seal of the NYPD, for sure. Those guys are now apparently targeting young, African-American men and women who make expensive purchases at Barneys, and they're being investigated over the arrests of 19-year-old Trayon Christian back in April and 21-year-old Kayla Phillips in February, who bought a $350 belt and a $2,500 handbag, respectively. Police arrested both shoppers simply because they felt they looked suspicious (and after Christian's purchase, Barneys contacted police). Of course, the real question is, what makes a handbag cost $2,500, and do I want one? —SRD

 


(screengrab via 4029tv.com)

3. These school administrators, for making students sign a contract banning dance moves that "look like you're having sex," which rules out all the best dance moves. Don't they know this is how Footloose started? You don't just start with a flat out "No dancing" law. You start with "sexy" dancing. Then you move on to "dancing with too much lower-lip biting." Before you know it you can only throw your arms in the air if you care. And finally, it's a flat-out dancing ban, leading to out-of-town rabble rousers doing angry aerobics in warehouse spaces and risking grave injury! Also, the administrators are pretty much required to be pervs if they want to enforce a "no sexy moves" contract. "Those two kids are making me hot. Shut it down!" —BP

 


(via Wikipedia)

2. Ukrainian scientists, who claim a massive asteroid will hit the earth long before you've managed to catch up on 'Dr. Who.' According to scientists from the Crimean Astrophysical Observatory, a 1,345-foot wide asteroid might just hit the earth in 2032 and kill us all. Even though NASA claims there's a 99.998% chance the asteroid won't collide with our planet, this is really bad news for those of us who expect to peak in our mid-60s. Oh my god, what if high school really was the best days of my life? —SRD

 


(screengrab via MixBit)

1. Kimye. A rented-out stadium, an orchestra, and a 15-carat diamond are a decent start, but this proposal could have been way more over the top. We couldn't be more indifferent for the happy couple, but we would have been really happy to see some crazy shit. Like a plane writing "I love you" in the sky but it's being flown by a sloth. Or an orchestra from every country in the world simultaneously playing a different love song but somehow it works because Kanye is a musical genius. Or a ring with so many carats, Kim literally has to put wheels on it because she can't get around otherwise. Oh well. Maybe your next husband will get it right? —SRD