6. The Dread Ti-rate Roberts

Be super impressed with yourself for dressing up as the Dread Pirate Roberts using a tie with holes cut in it instead of a black facemask, and then get really upset when your seven-year-old doesn’t get or care about your Princess Bride reference.


7. Cover your computer monitor in ties as a half-hearted attempt at Parental Control.

Weren’t you supposed to download some kind of software so your nine-year-old can’t Google the phrase “naked pictures of Alyssa Milano” or whoever the hell kids nowadays are trying to look at naked? Solve that problem by covering the majority of your computer monitor with ties and make sure you tie the knots really tight so it’ll take the people at the Genius Bar a few hours to get them off.


8. Make a man-sized Disney princess dress out of discarded ties.

Sew all your ties into a dress that you can wear, and when your daughter announces that she’s Princess Anna from Frozen, put on your tie-dress and come back with, “No, I’M Princess Anna from Frozen.” And she will say, “No, daddy, I’M Anna, you can be Olaf,” but just keep insisting that YOU’RE Anna and she can’t be Anna and oh my God, she will probably either burst a blood vessel in her forehead from screaming or possibly just murder you.  


9. Tie-based tin can phone

Poke a hole in two tin cans and connect them with a tie to create a working phone! Have your child hold one can to his ear while into the other can you whisper the words, “Pssssttt. I don’t always know what I’m doing a lot of the time. But you kids are so important to me that you have fundamentally changed who I am as a human being. I want so badly to be a good dad for you and I love you to such a ridiculous degree that the thought of anything bad ever happening to you literally makes my heart hurt,” after which they will squeal with laughter because haaaaaaaaa! What a funny idea for a phone!


10. Flag of surrender

Paint a tie white and tie it to a broom handle to formally let the world know that yes, fine, it is too much. You give up.  


(Raquel D'Apice is a comedian who writes and illustrates a parenting blog called The Ugly Volvo. Like it on Facebook or follow her on Twitter. You can see more of her work herehere, and here.)