The 8 pictures every guy on Tinder thinks they need to have.
You are a dude, and you are on Tinder. As such you know the best way to play it is to swipe right on everything that comes across your screen so that you only expend your energy choosing from matches.
Unfortunately, the women on the other end are actually looking at your pictures and shallowly making judgements about you. Based on my research (a year of Tindering/screen-grabbing pictures of dudes and making fun of them with my friends), here are the 8 pictures every guy on Tinder believes he needs to have to get the swipe right.
1) With a baby
There's no better way to prove that you haven't been convicted of a sex crime than being photographed with youth. Plus, holding a baby is a great way to let your potential suitors know a) You have two arms b) Wait, you only have one arm? How are you holding that baby? c) Ohhh, you have a fake arm.
Note: Don't forget to put "not my baby" in your bio.
2) With your boys
Show 'em you don't even need a dating app! You already have a killer social life as evidenced by you and your five bros who all wear the same blue-striped button-down shirt (AKA Button-Downs Syndrome). You are a busy man about town and the only time you have to search for online gash is when you're taking an expensive coke dump into a black porcelain nightclub toilet. Don't forget to not flush!
3) With your girls
Who is that? Is that his girlfriend? Wow, she's so beautiful. Would he think I'm beautiful enough to hang out with him? I better swipe right and message him right away before this woman snatches my soul mate right out of my hands. Hand me a towel, I've just carved his name and number of shared interests into my arm.
4) Without your shirt
The only way to let someone know you have a smoking hot body is to have a smoking hot body. If your body looks like an uncooked, unshelled lobster, don't worry. You can always photoshop your head onto someone else's better body. Or, better yet, hold off on Tinder for a year and spend six days a week, two hours a day, at the gym instead. Focus on weight, not reps. And, for all that Tinder is holy, if you are going to go to the gym, take selfies of yourself while you are there!
5) On top of a mountain
You could schedule a trip to climb a mountain, or just take a helicopter to the top, it doesn’t matter because once you've got that picture you can pretty much just jump off that mountain into a valley of pussy. Ditto for jumping out of a plane.
6) Jumping out of a plane
Fact: If you want to use your genitals you're going to have to face death first. Or look like you did. Hell, this guy is still on the plane but but it is enough to get the imagination cranking. Plus, now you can offer to show her the video of the jump in a quiet location, like your couch. You'll be boning before that plane reaches altitude.
Note: Take this plane to the top of a mountain and get a twofer.
7) With a group of tribal children
Bonus points if they are wearing a t-shirt from Friends or any losing NBA Championship team. If you're worried that visiting an impoverished tribal region will enrich you in some way, try a lesser commitment, like signing up for the Big Brother program.
Note: If you don't want (or are not allowed to have) your arm around strange children you can always photoshop yourself in front of a National Geographic photo, just make sure to wear a bandana for authenticity.
8) With an exotic animal
This is a classic. The best ones are tigers in Thailand, but make sure they have been properly zonked full of tiger prozac. You don't want to end up like whichever Siegfried or Roy got his face eaten cause then people might think you're gay. No tiger prozac? No problem! I'm pretty sure this dude is on a tiger rug but if you blur out the edges of the pic it's hard to tell. If only you could do the same cheat for picture #1 with a baby rug.
Ok, so that was your 8 must-have pictures. Tinder only lets you use 6, but just in case they up their allowance here are some runner-ups that couldn't hurt to keep in your back pocket:
- Meeting the president
- Meeting a famous person
- Being a famous person
- Aspiring to be a famous person (just holding a microphone or instrument on a stage will do)
- In front of a foreign landmark
- On a boat
- On a camel
- On a surfboard
- On a surfbordt
- In a fancy office
- In a Hummer limo
- In a person
(by Myka Fox)