(via Fox 4 Kansas City)

Human sexuality is vast and wondrous, with many different realms to explore. There are people like you and me who enjoy the satisfaction of brief, shame-filled missionary-position heterosexual intercourse, followed by a scalding hot shower to burn the devil away. Then there are others, like Hamilton, Kentucky's own Edwin Tobergta, who so loves having erotic relations with pool floats that today he's in jail celebrating his second arrest for engaging in the act. 

Edwin isn't alone in his love of having sex with weird, inanimate stuff. There are many other people who enjoy intimacy with objects you and I might not even give a second look if we spotted them on the shelf of a sporting goods store. Unfortunately, the only way we usually find out about these carnal adventurers is when they get arrested. It's been happening more frequently lately, with Edwin above, and the others below. These lovers deserve to be free to love whatever inanimate object they crave, no matter what that object's intended purpose might have been upon manufacture. To help out, here's a quick guide on how to have sex with weird stuff without getting arrested for it. Let's start with Edwin here.

Irresistable Object Of Desire: Pool Floats (and occasionally, pumpkins)

Why he was arrested: For having sex with a pool float outdoors in front of some little kids

Solution to continue expressing sexual persona without getting arrested: Bring the pool float inside, close the curtains, and fuck it where no one can see.

 

Simple, right? Next up, Swedish Bike Fucker Guy.

Irresistable Object Of Desire: Bike tires.

Why he was arrested: He hasn't been arrested yet, but when he is, it will probably be for destruction of private property, indecent exposure, and lewd behavior, which is a fancy way of saying, "He slashes bike tires and masturbates in the general direction of the gash while the cool, refreshing air expels upon his aroused genitals."

Solution to continue expressing sexual persona without getting arrested: On the surface, it would seem the solution is obvious: buy your own bike tires, bring them into the house, close the curtains, and fuck them there where no one can see. But the thrill here might come from the destruction of other people's tires. If that's the case, the best you can do is limit what you could be arrested for by first stealing the bike, then bringing it into your house, closing the curtains, and fucking the tires there where no one can see. You're still at risk of being arrested for theft, but that's way better than being labeled a sex offender and having to walk around the neighborhood telling everyone you do it with bikes.

 

Next up, Exercise Ball Guy.


(via Duluth News Tribune)

Irresistable Object Of Desire: Exercise Balls.

Why he was arrested: Burglary. He broke into a treatment center to get at the balls, but he triggered an alarm before he could slash the balls and do sex with any of them. So not only did he get arrested, but his erotic expression was thwarted.

Solution to continue expressing sexual persona without getting arrested: Buy your own exercise ball and, say it with me everybody, bring it into the house, close the curtains, and fuck it where no one can see!

 

Remember, there's no law against having sex with stuff (in most states). Just follow these simple rules:

1. Make sure the stuff you're having sex with is yours! Whether it's an exercise ball, a pool float, or a Playstation 4, if you bought it, no one can tell you not to have sex with it.

2. Make sure no one can see you having sex with it! Especially not little kids. But really, anybody. Unless they're into it and have expressed consent.

Good luck, have fun, and be safe!

(By Bob Powers)

Sources: The Gist | Fox 4 Kansas City | Duluth News Tribune