by Dan Abromowitz

Smartphones are undoubtably a modern miracle, but they can be damn hard to put down, too. Here's how you can keep that iPhone in your pocket and take back your attention span.

1. Instead of reaching for your phone first thing in the morning, why not reach for the crisp citrus flavor of an ice cold Bud Light Lime?

2. To minimize on-the-go email use, change your mobile email signature to an embarrassing secret, like "The only person ever capable of bringing me to climax was Peter Criss," or "The only person ever capable of bringing me to climax was Ace Frehley."

3. Build up negative associations with phone use by changing your lock screen background to Myanmar's piss-poor per-capita GDP. Abysmal!

4. Wear mittens all the damn time, until everyone's calling you Edward Mittenhands, and eventually just Edward, and finally Ed or Eddie, and now you have a new name, so why not skip town and start fresh somewhere new, where what's past is past and the future, unwritten?

5. Stop making excuses! Whenever you think to yourself, "I'll just quickly check my email," scream out, "You fucking LIAR!" to show your brain you mean business.

6. Remind yourself of the beauty beyond your phone screen by watching all 14 hours of Planet Earth on Blu-Ray. Believe me, the HD makes a difference!

7. Polarized sunglasses make looking at phone screens a headache-inducing experience while conveniently concealing that your eyes are real edible grapes.

8. Build up your will power by taking whatever pill does that.

9. Trying to take a tech vacation? Some hotels offer "digital detox" packages, providing discounts to guests willing to denounce their devices harshly before a priest and a local journalist.

10. If a particularly addictive app like Candy Crush accounts for the bulk of your phone use, try transitioning to a different, equally addictive app like the Kim Kardashian game, like how heroin addicts quit by switching to barbiturates. That's something they probably do!

11. Apps like Moment allow you to set phone usage time limits for you to ignore again and again, minute after minute slipping away beneath your fingertips, cremation ashes borne on breathless winds.

12. A phone at dinner can be an instant first date dealbreaker. To keep a twitchy texting hand from getting the better of you, grip your date's head firmly with both hands and maintain an eye contact that says, "I'm here. I'm present. I'm ready for love."

13. In extreme cases, hypnotherapy can keep you away from your phone by making you find it too spooky to use. And all those creepy apps!

14. Eat a whole phone. Not so keen on them now, are we?

Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.