Canned wine, now with a hint of coffee!
Finally, something to save you the hassle of mixing your coffee and wine yourself. (via FB)
Someone put wine in my coffee! Someone put coffee in my wine! It's Coffee Wine from Friends Fun Wine! Two great tastes that never taste good in a can that are now put together in a can!
It all makes perfect sense. It's the marriage of two products that are perfect for divorcees. Too depressed to get out of bed? Crack open a Friends Run Wine Cabernet Coffee Espresso and let the coffee buzz get you up while the wine buzz takes care of your feelings of worthlessness. Need to look your boss in the eye? Hide a Friend's Fun Wine Chardonnay Coffee Cappuccino in your desk to excite/lull you into the perfect state of IDGAF.
In an effort to understand the geniuses behind the greatest product to ever threaten to put the entire brunch industry out of business, I had to do a lot of
soul Internet searching, and what I found will shock you more than the idea that a company would be bold enough to blend two of humanity's greatest vices in the first place. Brace yourselves. The coffee wine is non-caffeinated.
Not caffeinated. Why? Why???
From their Facebook page:
"We know you must be curious, and it's a bit hard to describe the taste - you have to experience it, but once you try it you will fall in love, we promise! it's a non caffeinated, low alcohol, low calorie drink."
A "coffee illusion" indeed. Boregasm. (via FB)
Let's ignore their claim that it is low alcohol for the moment. It is still 6% ABV which, while not quite up to wine standards, is still on par with the booze content of beer. The bigger issue is, how could they create such an abomination without delivering on the implicit promise to keep us awake while we get fucked up? For the taste? You aren't going to trick me into liking coffee wine just for the taste of it like Coca-cola wants us to drink their diet version just for the taste of rat cancer. No, sir! I reject it! At least disgusting Diet Coke is caffeinated. (In fairness to coffee wine, Diet Coke does not have precious alcohol, but they also don't call it Diet Coke Wine.)
My only guess is that the canned coffee notes are added to cover the terrible taste of their canned wines, and I vow to try every flavor to find out.
(by Myka Fox)
Sources: h/t FoodBeast