10 ways this weekend's massive celebrity nude leak changed the world.
Everyone's still trying to get a grasp on the implications of this weekend's massive celebrity nude leak, in which the stolen nude photos and videos of seemingly countless female celebrities—including Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton, and Kirsten Dunst—were released on 4Chan and reddit and then quickly disseminated across the Internet. Here's how this expansive invasion of privacy has changed the world forever.
1. Conspiracy theorists are left unmoored by confirmation that so many celebrities possess human anatomy and are not, in fact, lizard people.
2. NSA launches rebranding campaign under the slogan, “We keep your nudes safe and securely fastened to a bulletin board in a Fort Meade break room that’s only accessible by top government brass.”
3. After spending the weekend masturbating to Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton, the Internet’s creepiest denizens find themselves with nothing left to look forward to in life and commit suicide en masse.
4. Julian Assange and Edward Snowden issue statement to redditors who previously expressed opposition to government privacy invasions: “Hey Guys, I Don’t Think We’re Fighting The Same Fight.”
5. Apple CEO Tim Cook resigns after being unable to avoid bursting out laughing while reassuring iCloud users that their data is secure.
6. Jennifer Lawrence punishes public by refusing to ever do anything cute or down-to-Earth again.
7. Fotomat reopens film developing huts across America, meeting demand of panicked nation wanting to return to a time when the only stranger who saw your nude pics was the pimply-faced high schooler handing them to you in an envelope in a shopping center parking lot.
8. Pervs feel cheated by discovery that famous boobs are composed of nothing more magical than human tissue and skin, not unlike non-famous boobs.
9. It’s discovered that this was all a plot by pop star Sia to make people fear their own nudity and start constantly wearing that full-body unitard from her “Chandelier” video.
10. After spending several days viewing photos and videos of women in an extremely vulnerable and private state, the populace struggles with a brief period of shame and empathy for the victimized women before falling back into the callousness and narcissism of day-to-day Internet life.
(by Bob Powers)