5 things to expect during tomorrow's Ragnarok, the Norse apocalypse.
But a few of the ordeals to which we shall be subjected during tomorrow's Ragnarök.
In case you haven't heard, the Viking apocalypse commonly known as Ragnarök—as predicted millennia ago in the in the Old Norse poem collection Poetic Edda—is expected to befall the world on February 22, 2014 — tomorrow! Since most of us didn't grow up particularly well-versed in Norse mythology, here's a quick rundown of what we can all likely expect:
1. A mighty winter shall descend upon the Earth.
Fimbulwinter—an unceasing and unimaginable cold—will envelope all the societies of man putting a halt to the whole of their lives and works. This might not be immediately apparent in the midwest and east coast regions of the U.S. Elsewhere, it may cause some traffic abnormalities and massive incidents of hypothermia. Bring a scarf to work.
2. The gods of Norse legend shall enter into epic battle with Loki the Trickster and his army of frost giants.
In the Poetic Edda epic poem Völuspá, a massive battle will erupt. Such powerful and benevolent deities as Odin, Thor, Balder, Vali and Vidar will find themselves pitted against untold numbers of frost giants, led by Loki, the evil god of fire and a few of his other unsavory friends. The destruction will be unimaginable. The carnage, unbelievable. As such, lots of power lines will likely be knocked out, as well as cellular towers. This will have adverse effects on Internet connectivity. So, send out important emails today and stock up on porn.
Scenes like this will block traffic.
3. Odin, the lord protector of all gods, shall be swallowed alive by the great wolf Fenrir.
Despite his great strength and wisdom, Odin—the one-eyed father and ruler of the gods—will be devoured whole by the monstrous wolf Fenrir. The gloating from fans of Loki will be even worse than what Mets fans have to endure every few years during a Yankees world series win. So, maybe have a good comedy ready in the DVD player to take your mind off things. (Remember, Netflix will probably be inaccessable.)
4. The human race shall be all but wiped out.
The nearly complete eradication of the human race following the great battle is really going to be one of the worst aspects of Ragnarök. This means no food delivery service. No live sporting events. No bars will be open. None of your friends or family will be available to hang out. And, on top of all that, your body will be a smoldering pile of rot heaped in a ditch somewhere. On the plus side, it's going to be a renter's market for apartments, except in areas showing heavy frost giant gentrification.
Great. We're gonna be repopulated by hipster nudists.
5. Two humans named Lif and Lifthrasir shall repopulate the Earth and bring about a new age for humanity.
A man and a woman named Lif and Lifthrasir will emerge from their hiding place in the forest after everything dies down and will commence repopulating the Earth, like a blonder, more Nordic Adam and Eve. This is going to be a fantastic opportunity for casual hook-ups. Lots and lots of sex. Unfortunately, most of it will be with brothers, sisters, cousins, fathers, mothers, grandparents, aunts and uncles. But if you can look past that, it should prove to be a pretty wild ride.
Enjoy your Ragnarök, everyone!
(by Dennis DiClaudio)