- In lieu of greater respect or better pay, we'd like to offer you a pseudo-holiday
Also, there's pseudo-cake in the break room!

It's that time of year again! That's right—Administrative Professionals Day! What better way to barely celebrate this made-up pseudo-holiday than with these messages to let your underpaid overworked administrative professionals know you barely appreciate their work. It beats the hell out of choking down stale sheetcake and forcing small talk in the break room. Go ahead and blast them out to staff, circulate them in a memo, share on Facebook or Twitter—whatever gets you fired quicker. - Sorry you have to work on the holiday honoring your work
Hey, just because you're in the office doesn't mean you're not taking the day off. - Happy Administrative Professionals Day to a great secretary
Great way to let your assistant know you know but don't care that times have changed. - Let's spend Administrative Professionals Day discussing what you really wanted to do with your life
"I've always wanted to be underappreciated in a soul-smotheringly depressive job." - I greatly appreciate all the effort you put into helping me keep a job I despise
And that's why I left you out of my lengthy manifesto. - Happy Administrative Professionals Day to the most unprofessional admin I know
Let someone know their hard work slacking off hasn't gone unnoticed. - We'd have gotten you a card signed by everyone but you're the one who organizes those things
Hopefully you at least remembered to get some nice flowers. - Happy Administrative Professionals Day to someone who primarily uses the office to work on personal projects
For the administrative professional whose dreams have yet to be crushed. - You're the type of administrative professional I could see recklessly marrying an alcoholic senior executive on Mad Men
But not one of the cool ones, someone like Pete Campbell. - I appreciate the lunch offer but would rather just have the cash
Because you can't buy drugs with a leftover chicken salad sandwich.