19 ways to finally take your patriotism to the next level.
Every year, you go through the motions: put out the flag, put on some red, white, and blue, and ooh and aah for the fireworks. Isn't it about time you made your love for this country make a difference? Here's how you can channel that patriotism into action:
- Buy several American-made cars.
- Dismantle the racist, for-profit prison industrial complex while wearing an American flag bandana.
- Call up your congressperson and see what they're wearing.
- Teach a bald eagle why it doesn't matter whether Hillary Clinton has a grandchild.
- Paint your nails red, white, and blue and use them to gouge out a central banker's eyes. If he can't see why gold still matters, he doesn't deserve to.
- Queer Mt. Rushmore.
- Cultivate the West.
- Support American workers by patronizing American Apparel. In these turbulent times they need you now more than ever.
- America has a rich tradition of invention stretching back to Benjamin Franklin. Now, it's your turn. Invent something cool, like a sword that's also a wolf.
- Be a conscientious citizen and study up on which civil liberties you still have. Don't worry, it won't take long.
- Find out what an alderman is.
- Buy war bonds.
- Walk Boston's famous Freedom Trail and spend the whole time asking if you'll get to touch the freedom.
- Tell your children the tale of Paul Bunyan, his mighty blue ox Babe, and the pant-pissing terror they inspired across this noble land.
- Visit one of our nation's incredible national parks to kickstart the entrepreneurial spirit that made this country great. Imagine how many Sunglass Huts you could build there!
- Throw the Liberty Bell in a gulch. Fuck that cracked-ass bell, we don't need it.
- Swing by your local armed forces recruiting station and see if you can't sell them on this whole Iraq thing. It's best two out of three, you guys.
- Make an American flag out of real stars.
- Barbecue. Maybe it's helping?
(Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.)