This is only the beginning of the post. Try not to fall in love with her for this, you creep.
(via Pimp Under The Mountain)
Listen up, mouth-breathers. Today we're going to tell you the story of a woman named Kitty who works at Hot Topic, who was forced to deal with a plague of the Internet age: creepy fedora-wearing guys with no social skills and even less of a clue about what women are (i.e. people). They often complain about women "friend-zoning" them, when in fact they are the ones who won't imagine women as anything but their sexual partners (a.k.a. "girlfriend-zoning").
Fortunately, Kitty runs a Lord of The Rings-themed Tumblr called Pimp Under The Mountain, and she took to her legit-nerd fortress to launch a devastating counter-attack on creeps everywhere. It was so great that many questioned whether it was fake or not (somehow, I don't think Jimmy Kimmel is going to pop out at the end of this), which she responded to on her blog. She doesn't even blame people for thinking its fake, since she could hardly believe it herself.
Is that a Punisher t-shirt? 1990 called to tell you that was still a turn-off back then.
Also, I'm pretty sure you mean "Joffrey." You're not even a good nerd. (via)
It's fitting that this tale of flirting ineptitude starts at Hot Topic. For those of you who grew up without access to generic suburban malls, Hot Topic is where generic suburban kids go to purchase semi-alternative identities with items like studded leather bracelets, Voltron t-shirts (only thing I ever bought there. I stand by it), and fedoras. Why people buy fedoras, I have no idea, because any snazziness they may (or may not) confer is outweighed by the fact that they are literally synonymous these days with being a horribly awkward loser who terrifies women with a creepy, needy, unconsciously sexist and possessive attitude (and also un-attractive facial hair). Attitudes like this:
How did "little sleuth" not tell you she was mad? Plus, that's not even how poke works. (via)
He probably still could have avoided public humiliation if he stopped his quest there, but then he went full socially-challenged:
The main way in which she is like Felicia Day is that you have zero chance with her. (via)
The gauntlet was thrown, and that may be literally true because he seems like he might own a fake chainmail gauntlet somewhere. Kitty, however, clearly has a far higher social IQ and primed the trap for her takedown (and finding out which of her friends will be destroyed as well):
I knew he had just started GoT because of "Geoffry!" The misspelling means he hasn't read
the books. Destroy this poseur, Kitty (and watch your back, Wardwell). (via)
This is the point at which Kitty rolls a natural 20, which is super effective and gets a critical hit (and other nerdy specifics mashed together awkwardly):
I'm in love. Wait, no, that's the opposite of what I should do. I hate her!
Wait...what is this feeling? Could this be what they call..."respect"? (via)
Oh, also, just stop being a creep to ladies no matter what you wear. Your loneliness is making you creepy, but your creepiness is keeping you lonely. You gotta raise your charisma points before being able to talk to them, and fedoras have -3 Charisma. They don't help any of your other stats either, now that I think about it. If you have to say "my alignment is good" all the time, it's probably not. You're supposed to be nerds. Nerds are supposed to be aware of the Internet zeitgeist. The zeitgeist says you're a creep. Figure it out.
(by Johnny McNulty)