[The following is a first-person fan fiction. We in no way claim to be the voice of Starbucks Girl.]
What's the deal with people posting photos of you online without your permission?
Yep, that's me.
It's a grande iced chai, in case you were wondering. The milk was supposed to be skim, but they screwed up, so it's 2%. I didn't make a big stink about it or anything. I just wanted to get back to my dorm as quickly as possible before I ran into someone I knew without any makeup on or having washed my hair for two—okay, three—days.
Most people aren't even back on campus yet because the semester doesn't technically start until the Tuesday after MLK Day, so I figured I was safe for two blocks and an avenue. Once I got back to my dorm with my iced chai, I could finish watching season 3 of Veronica Mars (Yeah, I know it's not as good as the other two seasons. But with the movie coming out, etc.), and have the Monday afternoon of my dreams.
Anyway, the one person I really, really didn't want to run into was Dave.
Dave is this guy I met at a party on campus at the end of last semester, and we hooked up or whatever, and then we both went home for Christmas, so I haven't seen him for like a month, and now I'm wondering, was I just a distraction from finals or is he going to text me? I don't even know if he's back in the city, but he did text on New Year's Eve just to say hi, so I'm assuming he wasn't hooking up with some other girl at the time.
Omigod though, if he was, he'd be such an asshole.
So this is what I was thinking about while I was walking back from Starbucks. You can see I'm kind of smiling because in my mind, I'd done it. I'd pulled off a risky Starbucks run in the broad light of day and now I didn't have to shower until at least dinner time. As I passed Tom's, I kind of half-noticed that the blinds were closed, but didn't think anything of it.
Okay. I get back to my dorm, finish Veronica Mars (Did this show overuse missing sex tapes or is it just me?) and my drink, and fall asleep. At 3pm, a friend woke me up by texting me, "Omg is this you?" with a link to this article.
And this picture of my face:
This picture of my face.
Do you see that? Is that enlarged enough for you?
At first, I couldn't even process what the article was about. Just that my hair looked flat, my eyes were weird and soulless, and my ear was fucking gigantic. (Is my ear that unbelievably colossal in real life? There is no way, right?)
Then I was just like "no no no no no no no" because the meaning of the article started to register, and Dave is a huge Seinfeld fan, and someone was definitely going to forward him this photo, and then he'd see me making this face like "Durrrr, I don't even know that two extremely famous and awesome people are directly behind me." And what if he thinks I'm the kind of girl who goes to Starbucks all the time??? That's not even true! I go there like once a month, tops! But Dave won't know that. Dave is going to think I'm some Starbucks-drinking "durrr" girl whose hair isn't even shiny.
He's going to think I walked past fucking Jerry Seinfeld and didn't recognize him.
I emailed the author of the article immediately, but by that point it had been picked up by everyone, and I was getting texts right and left, and hey, I'm a millennial, I know how the Internet works. You can't take something off of it, and you can't go back in time and curl your eyelashes.
And that's why I'm writing this public clarification. First of all, I'd like to make it clear that I am a huge Seinfeld fan, and I'm very excited about whatever project may be in development. Second of all, I'd like to state, for the record, that I ordinarily get coffee from Nussbaum & Wu or Hungarian Pastry Shop or one of the many other excellent independent cafes in Morningside Heights.
Thirdly, this is what I actually look like on a normal day:
Thank you for your time.
(by Shira Rachel Danan)