— Chris Hill (@ChuckJelly) December 8, 2013
"Ho ho ho. I'm a chocolate dick."
Christmas may be the most wonderful time of the year, but Santa Claus is still the creepiest holiday mascot (after Flag Day Fred—shudder). He watches us constantly, surrounds himself with tiny elves like some kind of weird fetish, loves when little children sit on his lap, sneaks into our homes when we're asleep...need I go on? Now, thanks to @ChuckJelly, we know that underneath those harmless-looking wrappers, Santa chocolates are actually hairy brown phalluses (that taste like crap, by the way).
Of course, he never should have made the mistake of actually unwrapping one of those chocolates. They're not for eating! They're for regifting throughout the holiday season, using as cheap stocking filler, and serving as mantel decoration until January 1, when they should be swept into the garbage along with the remainder of your seasonal cheer. He never should have opened one. Naughty list for you, pal.
(by Shira Rachel Danan)