As Oxford Dictionary, the New York Post, and every other web and print publication is required by law to reiterate, 2013 is the year of the Selfie. Sure, we kind of almost got accessible healthcare this year, we found out our every word and move is being documented and catalogued by the government, and a Pope actually quit his job for the first time in forever, but more important than all that is people really got a kick out of taking pictures of themselves. Trends!
To recap how selfies have changed our world forever, let's take a look back at the big ones, the selfies that made people's lives turn inside out on first glance, the selfies that redefined the concepts of self, other, and brought into question the very nature of identity. Let's start with Kim.
Who Selfied: Kim Kardashian.
Why'd She Selfie: It was mid-October. Author Tom Clancy had died just weeks prior and she knew the world's techno-thriller reading public was in pain. She wanted to heal it with ass.
Did She Selfie The World To A Better Place, Or Worse: A better place. This selfie reminded the world that while life is fleeting, ass is constant.
Who Selfied: A bunch of high-energy blonde girls at a baseball game.
Why'd They Selfie: They were at a college world series game. The fact that the entire audience was focused on the game and not on them grew too much to handle. In an attention-starved fit of hysteria, they burst across the field and selfied the whole thing.
Did They Selfie The World To A Better Place, Or Worse: Worse. Profiling of lily-white teenage girls became an epidemic. Over-caffieinated blondes are now eyed suspiciously whenever they enter a stadium or arena.
Who Selfied: Sports reporter Kelly Nash.
Why'd She Selfie: She was excited to be at Fenway Park and wanted pics. Clearly, someone on the field didn't like a reporter snooping around the stands. So they tried to silence her.
Did She Selfie The World To A Better Place, Or Worse: Better. Though in the pic it appears Nash was as sure as dead, the ball missed its target and Nash went on to file her story about the Rays-Sox game. The selfie is seen as a symbol of free speech triumphing over tyranny. Any time journalists feel like their voice is being stifled or they are unnecessary in a digital world, they look to this selfie, and they soldier on.
Who Selfied: Beyonce Knowles (and some nobody).
Why'd She Selfie: Though it was originally thought to be Beyonce photobombing a young fan's selfie, the fan actually asked Beyonce to pose with her. Beyonce complied, because she is a benevolent deity, not a wrathful one.
Did She Selfie The World To A Better Place, Or Worse: Worse. After the photo was shared, people were spiteful towards the girl because they believed Beyonce favored her, even though scripture says Beyonce loves all her fans equally. The selfie brought out the worst in people as they attempted to find the girl and do her harm. She is in hiding now and believed to be safe.
Who Selfied: Broly, a member of the Knights Templar, a Mexican drug cartel.
Why'd He Selfie: If you spent whatever he just spent at the salon to get that kind of bounce in his hair, you'd selfie that shit too.
Did He Selfie The World To A Better Place, Or Worse: Better. The deluge of drug cartel selfies being posted on Facebook revealed a chink in the cartel's armor. Vanity. This gives law enforcement a new plan of attack. If they can get Facebook and Instagram to withhold Likes on cartel member selfies, it could bring entire drug organizations to their knees.
Who Selfied: Maggie's friend, whose grandma just died.
Why'd He Selfie: To mock God. He wanted to show that he smirks in the face of mortality. The Lord may take those he loves most, but rather than grieve and cower, he laughs into the gaping maw of the eternal. Also, he wanted to show off that sweet new funeral Puma polo his mom scored for him.
Did He Selfie The World To A Better Place, Or Worse: Better, since many were inspired to emulate the boy and take funeral selfies of their own, sending the message that death is powerless when matched again humanity's capacity for self-absorption.
Who Selfied: Geraldo Rivera.
Why'd He Selfie: It was his 70th birthday, and he wanted to prove that 70-year-olds can also have that terrifying pubic-bone thing that usually only the guys standing outside of Abercrombie & Fitch have.
Did He Selfie The World To A Better Place, Or Worse: Worse. Upon seeing the selfie, our nation's grandmothers walked out on our grandfathers en masse. Tricked into thinking atrophy and shiftlessness is the only way for men to age into their golden years, our grandmothers were tired of being deceived by their pot-bellied husbands who don't even lift. They hit the gyms to find cut older men like Geraldo, and our grandfathers are all alone now.
Who Selfied: Vanilla Ice, feat. Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of the Insane Clown Posse.
Why'd He Selfie: To remind the world that sometimes nightmares are real.
Did He Selfie The World To A Better Place, Or Worse: Better. To prevent this kind of thing from happening again, a national task force against aging white rapper loitering was established. It's now legal to use force against the likes of Vanilla Ice, ICP, even MC Serch should they be found lingering on your property.