5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 24, 2013
NEWS

1. Scientists Finally Get Around To Making Fart-Proof Underwear

Shreddies Ltd, a U.K.-based underwear company, has created a line of boxers and briefs made with Zorflex, a material used in anti-chemical warfare suits, to neutralize the smell of the wearer’s farts. The underwear can supposedly filter out 200 times the strength of the average man-made gas attack and is useful for people with disorders such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Crohn's disease and a strong affinity for Taco Bell.

someecards.com - I regret having held in even a single fart for you.


2. The German Chancellor Is Really Mad At Obama For Spying On Her Phone Conversations, Though He Probably Already Knew That

German Chancellor Angela Merkel called Barack Obama yesterday to express her unhappiness upon hearing the news — reported by Der Spiegel, via information leaked by Edward Snowden — that the NSA has been monitoring her cell phone calls. She told him that “such practices must be stopped immediately.” According to a spokesperson, Obama assured Merkel “that the United States is not monitoring and will not monitor the communications of the chancellor.” Or, to put it another way, he lied.


3. 4-Year-Old Girl Who Ran A Quarter-Mile To Save Her Dad’s Life Is Probably Not One Of Those Creepy Omen Kids

A Michigan man who accidentally somehow knocked himself out cold while unloading scrap metal from his pickup truck has pretty good reason to believe that his 4-year-old daughter is not one of those scary demon kids that we’re always seeing in the movies after she ran a quarter-mile in the dark to get help for her father instead of slitting his throat with a sharp piece of metal or simply sitting there giggling while his breathing slowly subsided. Good information to have!

someecards.com - My dad's hapless parenting skills taught me the most important thing is trying your best.


4. Teen Arrested For Buying $350 Belt, But For Racial Reasons, Not Because Anyone Who Would Spend $350 On A Belt Deserves To Be Arrested

A 19-year-old black man from Queens is suing the New York Police Department and Barney’s department store after he was arrested for buying a $350 Ferragamo belt with his debit card that store employees and police officers assumed must have been stolen. Trayon Christian was held in police custody for 42 minutes before his card was authenticated and is probably planning to spend whatever money he’s awarded on a really nice pair of cuff links.


5. The Internet Takes Break From Tormenting Fat Kids On YouTube To Pay BU Student’s Tuition

After Boston University straight-A student Alexis Felix ran out of options for finding $5,000 to pay for her tuition, she turned to the Internet for help. You know, that place where anonymous people subject the weak and downtrodden to merciless and endless psychological torture, where vigilante armies of trolls pool their resources to find the personal information of people they’ve deemed worthy of punishment and then systematically ruin their lives, where Nicolas Cage is worshipped as a minor deity. Yeah, that place. So, she set up a page on the crowd-sourcing site GoFundMe and raised all the money she needed, plus some, in a day. The Internet works in mysterious ways.

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