Breaking up with a guy is always hard, but it doesn’t have to be boring. Here are five ideas to make your breakup exciting, original, and way more fun than your relationship ever was.
5. Get Put Into The Witness Protection Program!
Wander around town until you stumble upon a murder in progress being committed by a high-profile head of a criminal syndicate. Good places to look are parking garages, empty warehouses, or if your town has a wharf, go look around the wharf until you find someone doing murder. When you go to the police and tell them what you saw they’ll put you into the witness protection program, forcing you to cut all ties with family with friends. That way you can tell your boyfriend, “I really enjoyed the months we shared, and I would totally keep seeing you if it wasn’t for this ‘moving to another part of the country and adopting a new identity’ thing. Arrgh, why is there crime, right?” He’ll understand completely and you won’t even have to tell him how much the high-pitched squeak sounds he makes during orgasm creep you out.
4. Pay Skywriters To Write Messages Above His House Telling Him Why You Two Are Wrong For Each Other!
Every morning he should walk out of his house and see a new message written in smoke up in the sky. One day he’ll see, “YOU DON’T LIKE THE SAME MOVIES.” The next, “THE ONLY ASIAN TAKEOUT YOU LIKE IS THAI, BUT THE ONLY ONE SHE LIKES IS SUSHI.” The next, “THINK ABOUT IT. HAS THE SEX EVER REALLY BEEN THAT GOOD? I MEAN, BETTER THAN ADEQUATE? BE HONEST.” When he asks you if you know anything about the skywriting, just play dumb. “Must be God,” tell him. “I mean, who else is up in the sky? It’s got to be God. And if God doesn’t think we should be together, I think we should listen.” He’ll agree that your love isn’t worth tempting the wrath of the Lord and you’ll part as good friends.
3. Dig An Intricate Circuitry Of Tunnels Under Your House!
Start showing up to dates with dirt and mud on your clothes. When he politely asks about it, explain to him that you found something under your house. “Or rather, someplace.” Bring him into the tunnels, but pretend that they were already there and you just happened to stumble upon the entrance in your basement. “I felt summoned by it,” tell him. “I don’t know how long they’ve been here. I think they’ve always been here.” Over the next few weeks, cancel dates with him, explaining that you have no interest wasting time in a restaurant when you could be in your magnificent tunnels. When he objects that you’re spending too much time down there, say, “The tunnels don’t think we should see each other anymore. I want to see you still, but the tunnels are spiteful.” He’ll miss you, but he’ll also be excited to no longer find clumps of mud in his bedspread after you stay over.
2. Get Really Into Low Winter Sun!
Bring it up at dinner every night, talking about the characters, the motivations, the clues. Interrupt sex and ask him to put on a bald wig so he’ll look more like Det. Frank Agnew. Force him to wait to watch Breaking Bad on DVR because you like to come into a new episode of LWS (as you call it) with a clean palate. Eventually he’ll say he just doesn’t get why you’re the only person on the planet who’s really into Low Winter Sun. Your response should be, “Then I’m sorry but if you don’t get Low Winter Sun, you don’t get me. I wish this could have worked out, but I’m afraid our sun has set.” He’ll be bummed, but it won’t be as bad as the time that girl ended it because he refused to watch season 2 of The Killing.
1. Perform An Intricately Choreographed Dance Number In A Public Place With Several Troupes Of Jugglers, Improvisers And Backup Dancers To Explain To Him That He’s Really Great But You Just Don’t Feel Enough For Him To Give Him What He Deserves From A Relationship!
Why should flash mob proposal videos be the only thing to explode on YouTube? It’s about time for some viral breakup videos. He’ll be sorry to lose you, but when those views cross into the millions he’ll know you did the right thing.
(by Bob Powers)