5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - September 15, 2013
NEWS

1. Ten Percent Of U.S. Children Have Livers Just Like an Alcoholic's, But Without Any Of The Fun That Comes With Getting Them! 

One in ten children in America are believed to have fatty liver disease, a condition usually seen in adult alcoholics and that sometimes leads to cirrhosis and liver failure. Though seen in about 40 percent of obese children, it is also becoming somewhat prevalent in children of normal-weight, possibly due in part to the high amount of fructose in their diets. Kids' vital organs just grow up so fast nowadays.

2. Microsoft Pulls Cheap Unimaginative Ads Mocking Cheap Unimaginative New iPhones

A few hours after posting a series of crappy online ads — that looked like the product of about seven minutes worth of thought and four minutes worth of effort — mocking the iPhone 5c for its cheap plastic casing and lack of innovation, Microsoft decided to remove them from the Internet. A spokesperson stated that the ad campaign was "off the mark," much like the Windows Phone.


3. Brain-Eating Amoeba Poses Risk To Louisianans Who Use Water

Louisiana residents who regularly consume water instead of Snapple iced tea or 3-liter jugs of of Coca-Cola may be at risk of infection from a a rare brain-eating amoeba. Naegleria fowleri, a micro-organism which was found in the St. Bernard Parish water supply, enters the body through the nose before traveling to the brain, and as such causes no health risk from drinking. Unfamiliar state residents should be reminded that water goes in the mouth, not the nose. It's just like PBR, just less fizzy.


4. John McCain To Write Op-Ed For Russian Newspaper, And Then Inside That, A Smaller Op-Ed, And Then Inside That, An Even Smaller Op-Ed...

After joking last week that he would retort Vladimir Putin's op-ed in the New York Times with his own op-ed in Russia's Pravda, John McCain may actually be doing it. The Pravda.ru website responded by stating that "we would be only pleased to publish a story penned by such a prominent politician as John McCain." McCain says he will get in touch. However, Pravda.ru — unlike the Cold War-era serious Soviet newspaper with which it shares its name, Pravda.ru is a trashy tabloid that regularly publishes sensationalist articles with little basis in reality. So, yeah, it's actually shares a lot of similarities with The New York Times.


5. World's Oldest Man Dies Of Severe Case Of Being World's Oldest Man

Salustiano Sanchez-Blazquez — the 112-year-old former coal miner who held the Guinness title as the world's oldest man — died Friday in his nursing home in Western New York. Sanchez-Blazquez only held the record for three months, since the previous world's oldest man Jiroemon Kimura, aged 116, died on June 12. The deaths appear to be unrelated.

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