1. U.S.'s Inevitable Syrian Invasion Briefly Held Up By Agreement With Russia
The United States will have to hold it on the big military strike its been planning against Syria for at least another week now that Secretary of State John Kerry made a deal with Russia, giving the civil war-torn nation a week to destroy all of the chemical weapons which it claims it does not have.
Shouldn't we all be Putin Assad our differences? I'm Syria-s.— Fran Gillespie (@FranGillespie) September 12, 2013
2. Gay Community To Get Same Respect As Bobblehead Community, As Dodgers Hold First Ever LGBT Night
The Los Angeles Dodgers announced that they will make history by holding Major League Baseball's first ever LGBT promotional game at their stadium on September 27. The evening's events will include a performance of the national anthem by the Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles and the game's first pitch thrown by an unnamed gay celebrity from the city's film, television or music industry, if they can somehow manage to find one.
Baseball is not gay at all *spits tobacco* Not gay *adjusts cup* Not gay *slaps teammate on butt* Not gay *deep throats a hot dog* Not gay— Nathan (@lilnatebigworld) September 10, 2013
3. School District Hires Creepy Old Dudes To Stalk Its Students Online
Students in a suburban Los Angeles school district are being targeting online by adults, who spend hours pouring through their Facebook feeds, reading their tweets and watching their every movement on on sites like YouTube and Vine. School officials are aware of the issue, mostly because they hired those adults to do it. The Glendale, California district is paying $40K to a company to monitor its students for one year and report back with its findings. And to do it slowly, leaving out no important details. Yeah...
4. IKEA Monkey Forced To Live Life Without Owner Who Abandoned Him For Amusement Of The Internet, Judge Rules
A Canadian judge ruled yesterday that Darwin — the illegally-owned macaque monkey whose owner famously abandoned in an IKEA parking lot last year — will spend the rest of his life in an Ontario primate sanctuary with other monkeys of his kind and not with the lady who used to dress him up in a winter coat and keep him as a pet.
I'm just a lost, despondent monkey in a shearling coat staring vacantly into the Ikea of life.— Squirt Russell (@RonnieWK) December 16, 2012
5. Mississippi Man Shot Real Life Chupacabra That Oddly Looks Exactly Like A Dog
The centuries-old mystery of what a chupacabra looks like has finally been solved, after a Mississippi hunter managed to shoot a specimen of the legendary goat-sucking creature said the stalk the wilds of North America. Turns out it looks like a dog. Pretty much exactly like a dog. Just maybe kinda sickly with its hair missing. But, yeah, just like a dog. The truth is out there, people!
If I ever get the chance to reveal a chupacabra to the world, I hope I have the presence of mind to say, "Chupacadabra!"— lanyard (@lanyardigan) April 24, 2013