What does your iPhone color choice say about how you are in bed?
GADGETS

People can tell a lot about you by your choice of phone, including your erotic personality. Before you go out and buy one of the 8 new colors of iPhone, take a look at this guide to discover exactly what each color tells people about how you are in the bedroom.

Gold

You’re a very classy and polite lover, saying things like, “May I rub this on you, ma’am?” and “Please sir, if you would be so kind, enter me as soon as is convenient for you.” Sex with you is an opulent affair. There are grapes nearby and bottled water and limes should you or your partner get parched. Money is no object, except when it comes to prostitutes, in which case you like to give them money to have sex with your spouse while you watch. 

How the gold iPhone is used in the sex act: You like to bite down on it upon achieving orgasm.

 

Silver

You’re very mature in the bedroom. You don’t tolerate baby talk or silly role-play games. “Role-play is for children,” is your motto. As far as you’re concerned, sex is a serious affair that should be conducted with the utmost gravity. You don’t like sex toys either. “Toys are for children,” is your other motto. You’ve seen a lot of things in your life, a lot of horrible things, and you like to channel the wisdom into your sexual congress, making sure your partner can feel the weariness collected over the course of a lifetime.

How the silver iPhone is used in the sex act: You get in the mood by calling up old emails from deceased friends and reading them aloud in the bedroom.

 

Space Gray

You are into some weird shit. Sex with you is like falling into a previously uncharted world where everything is possible, and everything is a little bit scary. There is potential for sensory experiences that you and your partner might never have imagined. Some of those experiences are the kind you’d give anything to forget, others are so pleasurable you’ll feel like you’ve finally discovered why God bothered to give you a body. 

How the space gray iphone is used in the sex act: You set it to vibrate and go to town.

 

Yellow

You are into peeing on people and being peed on by people. You also like to pee on stuff lying around the room, just in case if during the sex you roll off the bed, you’ll land on something that’s already been peed on. You spend most of your workday looking at people of your desired gender and wondering how strong their pee stream is. You’re also a coward.

How the yellow iphone is used in the sex act: You have an app that plays the sound of running water to help you pee.

 

Pink

Who’s a cutesy-cuddly little cuddly wuddly sex kitten? You are, that’s who! Sex is a game for you and if you’re not giggling all the way through it, you must be positioned at an uncomfortable angle. You like to involve role play, sex toys, regular toys, plush toys, things that aren’t even toys but look like they’d be fun to rub yourself on, and you’re a fan of those filmy negligees with the fur lining the bottom. Sometimes lovers will complain that you only speak in cutesy animal voices during sex and they can’t understand what you’re telling them to do, but the ones who stick around long enough start to get it.

How the pink iphone is used in the sex act: You sometimes position it at the head of the bed and play a video of puppies frolicking on a loop so you can watch that whenever you get bored with all the thrusting.

 

White

There is one position and that is the missionary position. It’s a position you enjoy with someone you love and no one else. You’ve never enjoyed it that much, but you understand how important it is to the relationship. You know people accuse you of being bland, but you like bland. There are no surprises with bland. Occasionally, though, you let your mind wander, imagining what it might be like to surrender yourself to someone with a space gray iPhone, just giving them your body and letting them take it to a place you’ve never been. Sometimes you wonder if, deep down, you should have a space gray iPhone. Maybe you only buy the white iPhone because it’s as far from the space gray iPhone as you can get, and you’re scared of what might come out of you if you unlock your weird, mysterious space gray self.

How the white iphone is used in the sex act: You set alarms to remind you when to finish up the sex act so you can get some chores done before bedtime.

 

Blue

Sex is a chance to feel something beside the bottomless depression in which you’ve been drowning for years now. You have sex with people you don’t care for and who don’t care for you because you don’t think you are deserving of a caring relationship. You fully expect lovers to leave immediately after sex, and when they don’t you do things to encourage them to go. You don’t want to develop affection for them because you don’t believe it could ever possibly be returned. Sometimes you sleep during.

How the blue iphone is used in the sex act: During sex you like to scroll through pictures of yourself from a long time ago, pictures of you smiling.

 

Green

You’re impotent.

How the green iphone is used in the sex act: There's no sex act. You use it to play Candy Crush.

(by Bob Powers)

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