5. Stop claiming you understand news stories better because you're a parent. This week, a girl was asked to leave a clothing store simply for being too chubby. That's pretty much inarguably offensive. Anyone can see that 14-year-old girls are impressionable and good, and the way the store employee behaved is irresponsible and bad. Do you need to be a parent to recognize that this is the case? No. Do you need to be a parent to know, for example, that bullying is a big problem? No. Do you need to be a parent to understand that the atrocities in Syria are bad? No. Do you need to be a parent to empathize, generally, with the plight of the downtrodden? No. No, you don't. You barely need to be a person. A relatively caring dolphin could figure this stuff out.
4. Stop bragging via question. If you're planning a vacation, a great resource is your friends who have already traveled to those places. You should email the people you have reason to believe have taken a trip to Barbados via Jamaica and see if they have any insight or Google docs to share. We don't need to be part of your decision over which contractor to use when remodeling your bathroom. We're already obviously going to be subjected to hundreds of pictures of the final result. If you really need information, go find it on a website that's basically only people bragging via question: Pinterest.
3. Stop announcing what a fun night you had and then tagging the friends you just saw. You had an amazing night and you can't stop thinking about it. Man, you are so amped. Time to get on your phone and text the two friends you hung out with something like "What an awesome night! I'm still so amped. You guys are the best." Then go to bed. It was just dinner. Whatever you do, don't go online to brag that you have a social life without even providing any pics. Those of us for whom Facebook is our social life don't need to know you had plans tonight. We are sad enough.
2. Stop announcing you're quitting Facebook. There comes a time in everyone's life when Facebook gets on their nerves, when it's time to deactivate your account and take a break from the monotonous stream of Facebook drudgery, when you realize that going on Facebook brings you more pain than schadenfreude. When that happens, you have two options: you can blog a snarky list of complaints or you can quit Facebook. Just don't stretch out the inevitable by announcing your departure like you're a beloved outgoing president. No one will notice when you're gone, and that's something you'll just have to learn to live with. But you're getting out. So don't complain to us about how hard it is to be away or how annoying Facebook is. We know all of that. We're putting up with it because that is what people do when they're slightly masochistic. So go. Just go. Tell our story.
1. Stop offering details about a photo entirely in hashtags. Hashtags are handy for sorting postings by subject matter, so if you, say, want to see what your Facebook friends think about #Syria or #LaborDay or, god help us, #Miley, you can do so. But hashtags that aren't connected to other hashtags are missing the point. You are still allowed to use sentences. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Also, for the love of all that is holy, stop using hashtags to explain that you don't know how to use hashtags. #youreslowlydestroyingme
(by Shira Rachel Danan)