5 people having a worse Monday than you.
MONDAYS

5. Homophobes. It seemed like men's professional sports were the last safe haven for homophobic people, despite also being the most homoerotic thing available on basic cable. For decades, not one active player in the four major sports was openly gay, even though, statistically speaking, a fair percentage are probably "locker-roomed" (that's "closeted" for sports). That is, until today, when 34-year-old NBA player Jason Collins was brave enough to publicly declare that he is gay (and black!). The response to Collins' admission has been generally positive, suggesting that the times have changed, and homophobes can no longer assume it's okay to scream homophobic slurs at the opposing team. They'll just have to think of more creative ways to express their rage.

 

4. Tim Tebow. Speaking of homophobic professional athletes, the Jets unceremoniously cut Tim Tebow loose today, after deciding that he is not very good at football. While they're probably right, getting fired has to sting, especially since Tebow's hometown Jacksonville Jaguars have been extremely clear about the fact that they don't want him either. Maybe it's time for Tebow to think about alternative careers, like traveling preacher. In the meantime, let's all take a knee until Tebow's bruised and battered career is cleared from the field.

 

3. A woman who swallowed a $5,000 diamond. A Tampa fundraiser for charity ended with everyone thinking about poop-covered diamonds, after a woman accidentally swallowed the diamond at the bottom of her champagne glass. For $20, a person could purchase a champagne flute that might contain a $10 cubic zirconia or a $5,000 diamond. Miriam Tucker, 80, was embarrassed to realize she had swallow thousands of dollars worth of precious jewel. Luckily, she was already scheduled for a colonoscopy the following day and had her doctor remove the precious gemstone. Now we're starting to wonder if we have any extra cash lying around in our internal organs.

 

2. A Tourette's Syndrome sufferer who got kicked off his flight to Puerto Rico for saying "bomb." Part of having Tourette's, for some people, is that you cannot stop yourself from vocalizing the exact thought you are trying to suppress. So, given he was at an airport after a recent terrorist bombing, he could not stop saying "bomb." But, since Michael Doyle had written to all the appropriate authorities upfront to make sure he could get on the flight (so he could go to a Revolutionary War reenactment), TSA let him through without a second thought, even though he was saying "bomb" left and right. Until, that is, a pilot heard him in the waiting area and without a second thought sent him home. Now the reenactment they'd been planning for two years is over, so Michael says the free round-trip ticket isn't really a consolation. Sorry man, that sucks bomb.

 

1. Whoever had the idea to give away these white towels at the Lakers' devastating final playoff game. Way to get everyone in the spirit of a do-or-die elimination game, giveaways guy who is fired now probably. "Let's make it so the players can see everyone in the Staples Center waving what looks like thousands of white flags!" On the bright side, the towels were thick and absorbent enough to collect the tears of even the most inconsolable Laker fan.

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