5. The hacker who claims he could take down an airplane with a phone app. You know, we actually have a lot of flights to go on this month. So we really don't appreciate German security researcher and licensed pilot Hugo Teso telling us that it's so easy to take down an airplane from the ground, all you need is an Android. Apparently, there are flaws in the communication network planes use, and these can be exploited to send radio signals telling the pilot to do whatever you want. Frankly, we've never been more freaked out about flying or prouder to be an iPhone user.
4. God, or humanity, or whoever is to blame for the weather. We can't even really complain about the weather in New York, because at least we had two or three days of relatively nice, spring weather—you know, the kind that makes you recklessly throw all your scarves in a box under your bed—before this crappy freezing rain nonsense started up. Happy Place readers in the Midwest had to deal with an actual snowstorm this week, which would make us want to throw a shoe at an oil company executive and/or God, since individual weather events can't necessarily be blamed on climate change but you can always blame the Omnipotent One. It's cool. He's used to it.
3. Whoever invented Google Death and forced us to confront our own e-mortality. The internet is supposed to distract us from our impending deaths, not remind us we'll all be dead before we've figured out how to turn a pdf into a Word document. But Google's new Inactive Account Manager (aka Google Death) has us thinking about what we'd like to happen to all of our emails, Google Docs, Picasa photos, and our many, many social interactions via Google+ after we're gone or fall into a Reddit-induced coma. We'd like to believe that at least our online persona can live on forever, but it's also sort of comforting to think of our internet selves dissolving into bits and bytes that eventually become one with the web and emerge someday as a Gawker piece on Selena Gomez's side-boob. It's the circle of life.
2. Whoever ate French president Francois Hollande's camel. What do you get the French president who has everything? A two-humped camel, obviously. Mali gave Francois Hollande a camel as a thank you for the French liberating Mali from Al Qaeda-linked militants. It's not the first time Hollande has been given an animal as a gift, and he planned to give it to a French zoo. But the vaccinations and visas required for the slobbery beast were too complicated, so Hollande decided to leave the camel in the care of a family in Timbuktu. And they promptly turned it into a stew and ate it. In French, they call that "le party foul."
1. Rick Ross, Jay-Z and LL Cool J for all using rap incorrectly this week. Rick Ross, who makes a career out of being intensely dislikable, was dropped as a spokesperson for Reebok this week after he issued a non-apology apology for lyrics in his new song, "U.O.E.N.O," which describe putting drugs in a woman's drink and having sex with her that she doesn't remember. Yup! Tasteful. Less horrible but more arrogant was Jay-Z's new release this week, "Open Letter," which could have used a few more drafts. In it, he responds to criticism that having his wedding anniversary in Cuba may have violated the tourism ban on that island, and may not have been the "educational exchange" he claimed it was. He does this by suggesting Obama come hang out with him on the beach (we're sure #44 loved that), daring Congresspeople to fine him, and wrapping it up with a non-sequitur about how much money he made on the Brooklyn Nets. Really keeping the drama level low. Then there's LL Cool J and "Accidental Racist." There's really nothing more to say about that, except that the scars will not heal for a long time. Honorable mention, of course, to non-rapper and non-genius Brad Paisley, who collaborated with LL Cool J to create their accidental laughingstock.