5. Pontius Pilate. Over 2,000 years later, this guy still sucks. He's the total bad guy principal in a John Hughes movie trying to bust the ass of the student he knows is cooler than him. And by the way, crucifixion as your method of execution? Way to make Texas look good by comparison. If you hadn't called for the death of Jesus, there wouldn't even be a Good Friday and we wouldn't have to feel guilty about the cheesesteak we ate an hour ago.
4. Kim Jong-un. Sigh. This again? It's a wee bit embarrassing for Mr. Jong-un that the reaction to his ominous threat of "We have aimed our rockets at the United States" was greeted with a response of "Where should we go for dinner tonight? I heard that new Indian place is good." Perhaps we would take him more seriously if he wasn't so much like a Mike Meyers character. Like one of the targets he put on his big, not-so-subtle map of the United States was Austin, Texas. The only strategic reason for blowing up Austin is if you want to prevent people from being able to access organic, whole grain tortillas at their local Whole Foods. It feels weird to say this, but please stop threatening to blow us up unless you actually, you know, can.
3. Prince William. The Duke of Cambridge has given us yet another reason to resent him. It's bad enough that he has a hot wife (despite his receding hairline and dubious genetic material), lives in the lap of luxury, and is, well, a prince, but now he also has the best paternity leave benefits ever. He's simply quitting his job as an RAF pilot. Guess when your grandma's the queen you don't have to worry about things like building relationships at work or climbing the corporate ladder. You just sell another tiara and you're set for the next 40 to 60 years. Princes: they're nothing like us.
2. An Alaska Republican Congressman who used the term "wetbacks." Apparently, GOP Representative Don Young of Alaska didn't realize that "wetbacks" is an ethnic slur about Hispanic workers. He must have thought it was just a reference to we have no idea what, it's obviously an ethnic slur. We're disappointed that an elected official is so stupid, but we're even more annoyed that now we have to go through the whole charade of him apologizing, and other GOP leaders saying they just love Hispanics, especially Chipotle, and then key Democratics wagging a finger at the GOP, and everyone tweeting about immigration rights. Can we just skip to the part where we all feel comparatively better about ourselves? K thanx.
1. People who tried to get us to change our Facebook avatars to show our support of gay marriage. We here at Happy Place aren't afraid to say it: we support marriage equality. We think anyone who wants to go through life handcuffed to a person they used to love should be our guest, as long as they don't expect us to be their guest and shell out 500 bucks in airplane tickets and gifts. What we aren't willing to do is change our Facebook avatar. We like our Facebook avatar. We put a lot of care into making it look like we couldn't care less about it. And it's just as frustrating that all of our friends are now just a sea of red and pink. We can't tell at a glance who just had a baby, or who got a new job, or who "liked" some department store they are hopefully getting a discount out of liking. It's very exhausting, and we are looking forward to the Supreme Court overturning DoMA and Prop 8 so we can go back to stalking people more easily.