No matter how successful you've been in the romance department lately, you can't compete with the endless parade of butts this plank of wood has seen: Wide ones, skinny ones, uncomfortably muscular ones, men, women, the occasional seeing-eye dog — it doesn't discriminate. You're probably thinking of sitting on it right now, aren't you? You dirty slut. Just don't try and fall asleep here. This bench isn't ready for that kind of commitment.