5. Rick Scott - When the Florida governor tried to give residents a meningitis hotline number last week, he accidentally gave them a phone sex line instead — which isn't very helpful, unless you happen to get turned on by contracting deadly bacterial diseases. We're guessing this led to a lot of awkward exchanges, such as "What are you wearing?" "Uh, a hospital gown," and "Oh yeah, doc, diagnose the sh*t out of me."
4. This Pilot - Usually when a commercial airline pilot lands at a different destination than he originally intended, it's because of unforeseen circumstances: low fuel, engine troubles, or that the in-flight entertainment was a Kevin James movie and the passengers revolted. But it was pure, old-fashioned incompetence that led this pilot to land at an Indonesian air force base instead of the commercial airport he was aiming for. We just hope his 96 passengers were given full refunds — or at least given a chance to ride down that huge, inflatable slide.
3. Pizza Hut - The pizza chain is quietly attempting to back out of its controversial plan to give one lucky Hofstra student a lifetime of free pizza in exchange for using valuable debate time to ask Obama and Romney which topping they prefer. Sounds like someone finally realized this election is a little more important than some lame viral marketing stunt. Or else they suddenly realized that one American college student can eat enough free pizza to bankrupt the entire company.
2. CNN Debate Moderator Candy Crowley - Jim Lehrer may not have commanded much respect at his debate a couple of weeks ago, but at least the candidates waited until the night of the event to steamroll him into a helpless, quivering pile of "um's" and "excuse me's." Crowley's reputation is already being trashed before she even shows up, thanks to a growing dispute between her and the Obama and Romney campaigns over how big a role she'll have in tomorrow night's proceedings (essentally, she'd like to have "some role," while Obama and Romney would like her to "shut the hell up and let us continue to spew the same tired talking points we have been for months"). At least both candidates can agree on one thing: they're terrified of being asked real questions.
1. People Who Like Sitting Down In Starbucks - The ubiquitous coffee chain announced plans for a set of smaller, simpler new "green" locations without tables or chairs — which is great for the environment, but a nightmare for people who like to spend 4-5 hours listening to Michael Buble and pretending to work on their novels. Unfortunately, this franchise concept is destined to create a new kind of pollution: depressed, confused white people sitting on Starbucks sidewalks, desperately searching for a Wi-Fi signal.