One of the better opening quotes in newspaper history.
HEADLINES

As recently as 20 years ago our nation's ninjas were being pushed into retirement as early as 55. Now with the economy in the shape it's in and people living longer and longer, ninjas are continuing to unleash their stealth deliveries of blood-spewing mayhem well into their golden years. They say life begins at 40, but death begins whenever this geriatric bringer of disembowelment puts down her crocheting and whispers into your ear, "You know what time is, bitch." (Note: the fact that this article was apparently about a normally kind woman who went off her medication doesn't change the fact that elderly ninjas are real and their story needs to be told in a medium-budget martial arts film starring Arrested Development's/Archer's Jessica Walter.)

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