The 10 people you absolutely should not invite over for Thanksgiving this year.
THANKSGIVING

10. Lt. John Pike

Yes he can look super-lackadaisical while burning the eyeballs out of people for loitering, but that doesn't mean he'll make for a chill dinner guest. If you thought your Uncle Rick was a reactionary when you suggested that maybe hypothetically Obama wasn't a remote-controlled robot invented by the Kenyan Socialist Party, wait until John Pike comes in to watch the game and decides you've been hogging the recliner too long.

 

9. Herman Cain

There's a good chance one of your other guests is presently suing him for sexual harassment. If not, there's a good chance they will be by the time dinner's over. Even if you keep him away from all the women at the table, there's no telling what he'll do to the food. Dude is horny!

 

 

8. Rioting Penn State Kids

Fact is that college kids are just as stupid as high school kids, except high schools are good enough to discourage their students' expression while colleges encourage it (UC Davis excluded). If any of these kids shows up at your table, prepare for some really poorly thought-out diatribes about the injustice done to "Joe Pa." We certainly did some regrettable stuff in college, but what ever happened to spending a semester or two as bi-curious vegan with a minor in Kabuki Theater?

 

7. Occupy Wall Street Protesters

All due respect to them for getting behind a noble cause, but having one of these guys at your table means hearing the extended remix version of the "we killed all the Indians" speech that you used to give when you were a bi-curious vegan with a minor in Kabuki Theater.

 

6. Kris Humphries

He's still nursing a broken heart. You'll have to hear nothing but "all this warmth and togetherness just makes me miss Kim" and "these gigantic buttered sourdough muffins remind me of Kim" and "I wonder how many dudes are eating stuffing off of Kim right now?" It'll just be depressing.

 

5. Alleged Justin Bieber Baby Mama Mariah Yeater

Your nieces will just spend the whole dinner standing in line to touch her skin to have some of Justin's love sweat rub off on them. Everyone else will struggle to keep from telling her that sure, she's okay, but no one's buying that Justin would ever go for that. He's the Biebs for God's sake.

 

4. Rabid Community Fans

Even more heartbroken than Kris Humphries, except while Kris will at least have some good stories about living with a family full of sexed up trainwrecks, these pop culture-obsessed geeks will only want to spend the entire dinner begging you to watch their favorite soon-to-be-canceled show as if it was going to help fight breast cancer or something.

 

3. Casey Anthony

We know we're going out on a limb on this one, but yeah maybe don't invite Casey Anthony over this year. She's a little busy hiding from death threats and a still-pissed Nancy Grace so she probably can't make it anyway.

 

2. Osama Bin Laden and/or Muammar Gaddafi

They're both dead. Been dead for a little while too so probably really gross by now. Gaddafi might still be able to be propped up in a chair, but Bin Laden would probably just be some goop and a few jagged bones in a bag. That's appetizing?

 

1. Your Awful Family

They're bitter, resentful, undermining monsters who are responsible for everything that's wrong with your life, right? But they also share your polluted blood and you already invited them because it's Thanksgiving and enduring their abuse is the only tradition you have. So, um, drink up we guess?

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