5. Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker - Wisconsin's public enemy number one is learning that it's not smart to piss off people who have nothing to do but drink beer, watch the Packers, and hate your guts.
4. Any Occupy Oakland protester - SWAT teams cleared out the Occupy Oakland camp this morning and arrested anyone who refused to leave, making these 99 percenters part of the 100 percent who regret living in Oakland.
3. Fla. scout leader Tom Birch - Birch should get a merit badge in "humiliating Internet fame" for showing his scouts how to dispose of a worn-out American flag while engulfing yourself in flames.
2. Herman Cain - Cain's plummeting support in the latest round of polls proves that Republicans will not tolerate a candidate who supports waterboarding, has deplorable attitudes toward women, and loves pizza unless his name is Newt Gingrich.
1. NBA fans - Talks once again collapsed between league executives and players, the latter of whom now plan to take the former to court. This is obviously terrible news for anyone still holding out a shred of hope for a salvaged season, but fantastic news for people who love drawn-out legal battles between two groups of petulant multi-millionaires.