Latest Posts
  • A lot of folks are saying the Loch Ness Monster turned up in satellite imagery from Apple Maps.

    posted yesterday


    Yeah, that's a boat wake. Unless those are the front and rear paddles of a plesiosaur!
    They're not, though. It's a boat wake (according to me).

    Someone may have just spotted the Loch Ness Monster, and all it took Apple Maps to find it. Yes, that's right, the same Apple Maps who gave us these mind-bending geographic glitches that resulted in landscapes bending like Paris in Inception. Small submarines haven't been able to find it (although they heard something close on radar, and maybe they saw a fin!), hydrophones haven't been able to detect it (except for possible clicking noises like a dolphin and a swishing noise like large fins being paddled!), 1500 years of looking straight at the water have proved inconclusive, and even its Wikipedia page is a morass of dubious citations or entries with no citations at all.


    As you can see, this animal twice the size of the house in the bottom right had no problem
    staying hidden for thousands of years.

    But guys, that's totally, definitely the Loch Ness Monster. Look at those paddles! That huge (roughly 100-ft long) body! What else could it be, besides the image of a wake left by a boat that was slightly out of the camera's view (satellites take pictures as they move) at the time it was taken? 

    Eh, that seems unlikely. It's probably a cold-blooded, air-breathing marine reptile from a genus whose last known fossil dates to 66 million years ago that somehow moved from a saltwater ocean from a much warmer period of Earth's history into a freshwater lake that only formed 10,000 years ago after the last Ice Age. A lake that is, by all measurements, too cold for reptiles and too small to support a breeding population of large predators, let alone ones who come up to the surface to breathe without being spotted.

    We did it, you guys.

    (by Johnny McNulty)

  • 27 of the most terrifying Easter Bunnies to ever make a small child cry.

    posted yesterday


    Salmon-colored fur and angry eyes just scream "Easter Fun." (Via)

    Whoever decided the mascot for Easter should be a small, not very personable mammal wasn't thinking ahead to when shopping malls would try to market this thing. If you take a diminutive animal and blow it up big enough for a kid to sit on its lap, you've got yourself a seven-foot-tall wildebeast whose dead plastic eyes do nothing but make children scream. Here are some of the more terrifying examples of Easter Bunnys gone horrifically wrong.

  • A U.S. Senator was almost hit by a train during a commuter safety press conference.

    posted 04/19/2014

    Safety training, meet actual training.

    Irony, thy name is Senator Richard Blumenthal. At least for this week. That's because, during a press conference about commuter safety, the U.S. Senator decided to stand on the giant yellow line that was put there to indicate the worst possible place to be when a train inevitably comes blowing by.

    Just as the the mayor of Milford utters the words "safety, as you know, is paramount," an index finger enters the frame, as if to point out that the Senator is about to become the star of what could become the most NSFW, WTF FAIL video of all time. Or it could just be a friendly heads up. Regardless, the Senator is lucky he wasn't hit. He's also fortunate that the conductor didn't have a chance to slow down and deliver a commuter safety message of his own, like the hero of this video:

    So enjoy the viral stardom while it lasts, Senator. Because with so many idiots in front of so many cameras, the title of Ironic Video Champ is harder to hang onto than U.S. Senator.

    (by Jonathan Corbett)

    [ Via Gawker ]
  • Gwyneth Paltrow, and a bunch of famous ladies who can stand to be near her, squeeze together for a selfie.

    posted 04/19/2014


    Her patented "It's okay to envy me" smirk. (via Getty)

    Gwyneth Paltrow invited a horde of moderately famous blondes (and a couple brown-hairs because all are welcome in the Goop) to consciously couple for a Girls Night selfie. Behold.

  • 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - April 19, 2014

    posted 04/19/2014

    X-Men is protected from sex scandals by audiences' super apathy, a family is attacked by their adorable cat, a high school kid got nationally rejected for the prom, and more...

  • This chimpanzee building a fire and roasting marshmallows is oddly fascinating.

    posted 04/18/2014

    I hope he can also work a hose. And a treadmill.

    I haven't seen the BBC show this clip is from, but this bonobo building a fire and roasting marshmallows is both awesome and confusing. On one hand, it's an amazing example of how intelligent some primates are, and how similar their behavior can be to our own (He blows on the marshmallow!) On the other hand, who thinks it's a good idea to teach primates how to build fires? Despite millions of years of an evolutionary head start, there are still humans that can't be trusted with matches. Chimps have been doing fine without them to this point, so how about we leave them in the dark on this one.

    Also, why is the BBC giving a bonobo marshmallows? Is this an overly aggressive chimp they're trying to kill with Type 2 diabetes? Again, they've been getting by for millions of years without roasted cornstarch in their diet. If the BBC really values the life of these creatures, they should consider teaching them how to steam vegetables.

    (by Jonathan Corbett)

    [ Via BuzzFeed ]
  • A New Jersey woman's "8THEIST" license plate was rejected, and she's making a federal case out of it.

    posted 04/18/2014


    I guess 1 through 7 theist was taken. (via)

    New Jersey's war on godless vanity license plates continues! Harumph! Harumph!

    Last August, American Atheists' President David Silverman was rejected by the New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission after he applied for a "ATHEIST" license plate. He appealed the decision and the court agreed that he had a constitutional right to be just as self-righteously annoying as anyone else on the highway.

    [ Via Gawker ]
  • Goat sneezes on woman, woman loses her freaking mind.

    posted 04/18/2014

    Goatsundheit.

    I cannot say exactly why this woman has such an overblown reaction to a goat sneezing. Maybe she's a germophobe. Maybe she's a sternutaphobe. Maybe her father was brutally murdered by a goat with allergies. Or maybe she just had a random freak out moment like I do when a piece of lint moves just the wrong way across my desk. All of these, however, are the wrong questions.

    What we should be asking ourselves is what's going through that goat's head just after this lady bugs out? Look at his face at the ten-second mark. He looks over at the camera guy as if to say, "Are you kidding me with this bush league snack dispensing?" The goat is clearly unimpressed.

    Also, why is she feeding him a bag of cocaine? That seems unwise.

    (by Dennis DiClaudio)

  • This nice little piggy just wants a teensy bite of your salad, please.

    posted 04/18/2014


    You're lucky it's Good Friday and not Easter, hammy. Also that your owner
    is probably a vegan. 
    (via Michelle Stratham)

    Meet Albert, a wee piggie who just wants to nom on your salad. Just a little bit. Well, he is a pig, so I guess given the chance, he'd probably wolf it down, but he's well-mannered enough to know it's not his right now. This video was posted by Fleetwood, UK resident and very proud vegan Michelle Statham, although the pig is not hers (he is her Facebook profile photo, though). It is from August, but is making the rounds again today, probably to make us all feel a little bad during peak glazed-ham time on Easter Sunday. Just a little bit.

     
    I've had girlfriends and siblings and frankly all types of people be less polite than this.

    (by Johnny McNulty)

  • Church's reenactment of Good Friday ends in horribly embarrassing crucifixion mishap.

    posted 04/18/2014

    Father forgive them, for they know not what they WHOOAH!

    This clip should be the "A Christmas Story" of Easter. Play it on a loop on TNT.

    [ Via Youtube ]

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