- posted 6 hours ago
1. Pope Francis changes the priest's uniform to jeans and a blazer, and gives a mass where he hops up on a desk and gets real with the congregation.
2. A light fixture falls in the White House, bumping Obama on the head and making him remember his 2008 campaign promises.
3. Scientists develop an early warning system to detect onslaughts of Beyonce's awesomeness before they get out of control, after her surprise midnight album took out millions of people who had planned to go to work on time the next day.
4. John Oliver quits his new show to fill in for every single news anchor. We're happy for his success, but we need him elsewhere.
5. The Duck King and Queen return to claim their throne from the Robertson usurpers, ushering in 100 years of peace between man and fowl, even the gay ones. Bestiality still not cool, though. Ducks think we're gross.
6. People start really connecting again without the Internet, forcing the NSA to plant microphones in board games.
7. The government closes Guantanamo and transfers the prisoners to places we've never heard of or have to ever think about again. Mmmmm, sweet ignorance.
8. Obama and Boehner get into a screaming match and then start furiously making out.
9. Miley Cyrus stops her reign of destruction and makes a video where she rebuilds that house she destroyed.
2013: In like a lamb, out like a wrecking ball.
10. The Sochi Olympics breaks out into a massive, spontaneous song-and-dance number filled with feather boas and led by Neil Patrick Harris.(by Johnny McNulty)[ Via Jingjing Chen via Wikipedia, Wikipedia user Joebengo, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, David Shankbone, Miley Cyrus -, Wikimedia Commons/Parker Brothers ]
This Amazon review of Kleenex tissues may be fake, but we're guessing a lot of moms of teenage boys will identify with it anyway.posted 6 hours ago
Someone call Jeff in marketing and tell him about the 72-pack concept!
Because our relationship with you, our readers, is based on a foundation of mutual admiration and respect, we're going to go ahead and tell you right off the bat that this review of Kleenex tissues isn't real. It was written by James O. Thach, who has written a lot of other funny reviews on Amazon. Here, for example, is his review for an "Infant Circumcision Trainer (White)" and it's almost as hilariously disturbing as an infant circumcision trainer.
That said, he's unfortunately probably right in assuming that a lot of people buying a 36-pack of Kleenex aren't just being thrifty. Teenage boys are totally gross. Also, people with colds.
(by Shira Rachel Danan)
This Michael Bolton instructional softball video may not improve your game, but it will definitely make your day.posted 6 hours ago
Sit back and let Michael show you how to take things slow-pitch.
If you're looking to improve your softball game while rocking out to the tortured soul music of Michael Bolton , then there's only one video for you - Michael Bolton's Winning Softball. The video was made in 2000. Why it was made is not clear, but what is made immediately clear is that Michael approaches softball the same way he approaches singing - so intensely that it looks painful.
Michael's team is called The Bombers, made up of members of his band and road crew, who must wake up each day pinching themselves knowing they get to spend their days off shagging flies from the most strained voice in music.
So if you've got an hour to kill and the space to swing a baseball bat, enjoy. If not, here are just a few highlights:
A university janitor got a sweet holiday present from the students, proof that the current crop of college kids might not suck.posted 7 hours ago
(Via redditor krayzin)
This heartwarming image hit the top of reddit today, under the title: "I work as a janitor at a large state university, this made my day."
"You'd be amazed just how much a simple "thank you" means after a hard day's work," the janitor wrote in the comments. Amen.
There's hope, gang. The next crop of kids hitting adulthood soon, they might be better than us. They're showing recognition and gratitude to the people doing the jobs they don't want to do. They're shutting down their schools over bigoted bullshit. Maybe we should all just hurry up and die and let them figure out the mess.
Oh wait, I forgot.
BTW, the "irresistably smooth" gift was "a small packet of chocolate truffles."
(by Bob Powers)[ Via Redditor krayzin ]
Students at a Catholic high school held a sit-in after their gay vice principal was forced to resign.posted 8 hours ago
Jesus digs rainbows. (via @_juliaburns)
I was just about convinced that all high school students do anymore is cyberbully each other using forms of social media that I will never understand, and then this story popped up.
Like it was the freaking '60s or something, students at Eastside Catholic High School in Seattle walked out of class yesterday morning to protest the forced resignation of their vice principal Mark Zmuda. Zmuda has been working as a teacher and administrator at the school (and connected middle school) for the last 13 years. When the administration found out he married his same-sex partner Dana Jergens in July, they asked Zmuda to leave.
- posted 9 hours ago
That's the face of a man whose girlfriend just said "yes."
Get ready for your feel-kinda-good story of the holidays. A police officer in Elk City, Oklahoma was walking (or driving, I don't know) his beat by a city park when he saw Justin Harrel, the charming gentleman above (and the video below). The cop checked his file and saw that Harrel had two outstanding warrants for passing bogus checks. So he went to go arrest him. Harrel did not want to be arrested, and at first the officer thought he was going to resist.
After he got him into handcuffs, however, Harrel explained that he happened to be trying to propose to his girlfriend at that particular moment. So, hands cuffed behind his back, Harrel proposed to his girlfriend, who "eventually" relented, at which point he had the cop reach into his jacket and put the ring on her.
In conclusion, I can only assume that this check-passing criminal must be pretty darn smooth if he can convince a cop to wait for him to propose (or wait for anything) and then convince a woman to spend the rest of her life with a guy who just got picked up in a local park for his criminal record. I mean, it's not his looks.
(by Johnny McNulty)
A kid who got into Harvard is offering $40K per year on Craigslist to someone who'll take his classes for him.posted 9 hours ago
You might want to sit down for this. Someone going to Harvard is looking for a way around having to earn his rewards in life.
"$40K a year to attend Harvard University" the title of the Craigslist ad read (before being flagged and removed). The poster's request is a simple one:
"I am looking for someone to attend Harvard University pretending to be me for four years, starting August 2014. I will pay for your tuition, books, housing, transportation, and living expenses and pay $40,000 a year with a $10,000 bonus after graduation. All you have to do is attend all classes, pass all tests, and finish all assigned work, while pretending you are me."
Seems fair, in a "shitty premise for a late-80s to early-90s movie" kind of way. It's also more than likely fake, based solely on the prerequisites for the gig:
"You must have either a 4.0 GPA in high school, or a 3.5 or higher GPA from a university to get hired for this."
Fake. This kid is not a Harvard kid. No one going to Harvard would hire a surrogate with a 3.5 "from a university." People who go to Harvard don't think any other universities count as universities. They also don't think any students who attended those other universities count, period.
The part where he says not to worry about getting in because he's "already taken care of that" is more on point, since by "taken care of that" he means "I was born into wealth." But sorry, it's got to be fake. No need to send him your transcript from NYU.
I still hold out hope that the Mom who tried to pay someone to have sex with her Harvard-bound virgin son was real.
(by Bob Powers)[ Via H/T Gawker ]
- posted 10 hours ago
It's not very NSFW now, but if you click to expand it might be. That's not innuendo. (via reddit)
Considering the disgusting amount of food we consume during the holidays, it's fitting that one of the season's most enduring traditions consists of building an entire house just to stuff in our fat faces. However, unlike our real homes, the gingerbread variety are usually so identically happy and functioning that you would rather smash their smug, bland little roofs in than eat them. Fortunately, some people can funnel their holiday rage into unique and interesting gingerbread creations instead of just picking a fight with their sister for the eighth time today. Here are some of the greatest, weirdest, and most messed-up creations from the holiday's sappiest pasttime.
- posted 11 hours ago
Gingerbread rules mostly include avoiding coming into contact with milk.
Well, if you were dreaming of a white Christmas, this is the whitest gosh darn thing you're going to see all month. Meet the Bocks, an attractive, talented family who write pop parodies together and seem to get along. I know, I know, you want to dislike them. I wanted to dislike them. Sadly, this is impossible as they are as likeable as they are goofy and embarrassing. So, they're very likeable. I also thought their song, despite great protest from every sarcastic, cynical, hatin' bone in my body, was pretty dang good. Merry Christmas, Kate, Sarah, Sam and Lee.
Adapting the song for the holidays was their idea, although they did borrow the arrangement for a doo-wop cover of "We Can't Stop" from Postmodern Jukebox, an "Alternative History of Pop Music" where they reimagine modern hits during various decades of the last century:
That's enough Miley parodies for today. We can stop now.
(by Johnny McNulty)
These parents surprised their daughter with a trip to Disney World. Unfortunately, she wanted to go to Alabama.posted 11 hours ago
"It's the county seat, Mom!"
"But, Mom! Think of all that Mobile, Alabama has to offer! The French colonial architecture! The Carnival celebration! Its own professional opera! Would you really rather shake hands with someone dressed as Mickey than see the wonderful collection at the Mobile Museum of Art? And don't even get me started on the Oakleigh Historic Complex. Disney World manufactures a history of princes and princesses, but living history is happening as we speak in beautiful Mobile!"
(by Shira Rachel Danan)Last Christmas, a guy stole his friend's nutcracker. He spent the year taking photos of the nutcracker's adventures